American Idol
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Paul Lynde did not need Paul Lynde lessons.
Thats what I need fromIdolcontestants: the sense that they dont needIdols mentorship.
Anything less and we get, well, most of the winners ofAmerican Idolthat you cant recall.
As usual, well begin with a couple of rejected auditioners and then rank the episodes Golden Ticket holders.
Should be a gas!
It needs dynamics, or range, or crackly Bonnie Raitt wisdom, or something.
You know what else we need?
A Bonnie Raitt biopic starring Patricia Clarkson.
Nothing makes more sense.
Does Patricia not want an Oscar?
I cant think of another reason weve been deprived of this Fox Searchlight triumph.
Everyone is red-faced and plummy-eyed, as if theyre reenacting Gwyneth Paltrows death scene inContagion.
What a rare treat.
The swoopy hair of Lee Meriwether.
The blunt hair of Lee Grant.This clip of Lee Remick in uncomfortable hysterics.
Such a good class of can-do dames (who all guested onColumbo, probably?).
Top ten of what, exactly?
Shes barely in my top-ten lady Lees!
Lee Ann Womack iswellahead of her.
Has a Nice DadTM.
But beyond that, shes got a cool, nasally power that sells Good Girl by Carrie Underwood.
Im not sensing an artist yet, but Gabby has tenacity that keeps me awake.
What Im saying is: Why do you trust my opinion on this?
Go find an Oberlin musicologist or something!
Less Sara Bareilles, moreSarah Paulson inCarol!
Its the best version of Gravity weve heard yet, which is great, I guess?
But theres more there, a subtle power that Carly holds back in favor of salableToby Lightmanmimicry.
Im not in love, but Im wondering what this flitting whirlybird knows that we dont.
1 for, like, 20 weeks in a row.
She has clearly not heardTracy Chapmans renditionfromLetterman, but Ill allow it.
is still funny), but I like Caitlins maturity.
Drake Milligan, You Look So Good in LoveEssay question: Do we need more country singers?
Lived-in, barbecue-ready vocals.
Hes also an award-winning Elvis impersonator, which makes me think he can stomach humiliation better than most contestants.
If were talking about pure talent, Drake is at the top of the heap.
If were talking about ingenuity, hes at the bottom.
Cant one of you sound fun, progressive, and aware of marijuana culture like Kacey Musgraves?
He can still sing reeeeally well and his drag name is adorable!
Its not as good asmydrag name (Olympia Bukkakis) but its fetching.
Seriously, the range on this lady is upsetting.
Up through the roof, then down through the floorboards.
Samuel Swanson, Lets Stay TogetherHere we go.
Thats all I ask for.
Milk those cows, butpleasefind all the H&M baubles your debit card can handle.
But I just love it.
Its all genuine and saucy and creamy.
And when I resort to ickyTop Chefadjectives, you know Im serious.
during Hollywood week, which will have us wagging our index fingers in approval.
Jurnee, Rise UpIts annoying how easily Jurnee wins this episode.
Already I supplicate at her world-weary feet.
Then she chirps Andra Days Rise Up with Minnie Ripertonlike precision and radio-ready ease.
What else is there to discuss?
How she pinned me to the wall like a knife-thrower with every note?
How she kind of reminds me of vintage Lark Voorhies?
How her name is an alternate spelling of a word Ryan Seacrest has uttered 41,000 times as anIdolnarrator?
See you in Hollywood week, where everyone we love will disappoint us with a hoarse performance of Fallin.
