American Idol
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American Idolis shedding contestants like an Agatha Christie whodunit.
There goes Effie Passero through a trap door.
A suit of armor fell on Ron Bultongez.
Amelia Hammer Harris took a hard fall off the Orient Express.
Thats offensive, senseless, and then back to offensive.
And she didnt even throw us the saucy Susanna Hoffs side-eye to soften the embarrassment!
Soon, Maddie with perform Kokomo as a piano ballad or add marimba to Tears in Heaven!
Heres hoping shes back on track with an angora-warm version of Youve Got a Friend or something next week.
Does she advance?Yes, by Americas vote!
America loves the Shawn Colvin community.
And it was a pretty good track!
It was a littleFree Willysoundtrack in its clap-along serenity.
Unfortunately, her low notes sounded a little like old Britneys attempts at bluesy low notes.
You know the ones, where she sounds like a toddler burping into a fan.
Does she advance?Yes, saved by the judges.
Shes flashy and talented, but is she essential?
He shoehorned some soulful notes in there, but they seemed unnecessary amid this midtempo pop thump.
Does he advance?No!
You call it rock music, I call it your gym teachers iPod.
It doesnt do it for me!
Was this a good performance?
Does he advance?Yes, by Americas vote.
I dont understand you, teens!
He utilized the Dave Matthews quality in his voice to great effect, keeping this rendition chill but propulsive.
That eyebrow was bouncing and jutting like Josephine Baker.
Does he advance?No!
His babyfaced Jesse Metcalfe charms are lost on millennials!
Whatever.John Tucker Must Dieis as timeless asCity Lights.
Truth be told, when that story dropped, I immediately goteveryShania song in my head.
Then I even started making up on my own!
If Youre Not My Man (Get Lost!)
Gabby cant perform angst without throwing in some serious eagerness, and I like that natural effervescence shining through.
Also: The Dixie Chicks rule.
Just to let you know!
Does she advance?Welp!
Does he advance?Yes, via the judges save.
Thats the riiiiiight choice, just like Kate Bush moaning HELLLLLOOOO at the beginning of Jig of Life.
Jonny Brenns, Demons
What a strange, slow version of Demons.
All I can think about / is gettin you home!
says this cute-ass hayride jam.
This is not a hard competition for Caleb.
He can stick to this lane and Garthify his way to victory.
I only ask that heconsidermeeting gay fans halfway and throw us, like, a Lucinda Williams cover soon.
Anything offCar Wheels on a Gravel Road.
Does he advance?Of course!
Sit on your porch swing and accept it!
It haseverythingshe does best: tearfulness, huffiness, and urgency with plenty of room for several Linda BlairlikeExorcistfreakouts.
We needed more Ariana Grande covers out of this one.
(UPDATE: Turns out this was Mara Justines audition song and I totally forgot.
Its possible she performed this five or six times and I dont remember any of them.
Im having a50 First Datesrelationship with Mara Justine and I dont want anyone criticizing it.)
Does she advance?No, and the judges didnt save her either!
What a crazy end to anIdolarc that was seemingly accelerating at a hyperbolic rate.
Jurnee, Never Enough
Well, thats odd.
Jurnee performed this already!
We already know she identifies with Hugh Jackman circus melodramas and here she is doubling down on that assertion.
I AM Rebecca Ferguson, she insists, and I believe her.
Or at least a varied selection of P.T.
Barnum torch songs and not just the one.
Does she advance?Yes, via the judges save.
What else has pulled off that combination?
Iain Armitage, I guess?
Hes now jumped from Liza Minnelli to Alanis Morissette toThe Wiz.
Can we clone him and send the clones to small-town high schools to entertain at-risk gay teens?
Does he advance?Hellllll yes.
He hasnt performed all ofSupposed Former Infatuation Junkieyet, as I requested.
America recognizes this and wants it too.
Catie is really calming the hell down as a performer these days.
She didnt giggle into her hands or turn a somersault and yell Oops!
or whatever other shtick she usually does.
Its kind of jarring.
Were watching someone realize that anIdolvictory requires skills, not aggressive hugs to everyone in sight.
Does she advance?Ooh-na-YES.
Ada Vox, And I Am Telling You Im Not Going
I cant explain this.
Sometimes we lost the words and got the sound of MoNique coming down with rabies.
It was a mixed bag of fun and scares.
Look at this dame.
Shes dressed like the Olympic flame going to brunch in Branson.
Does she advance?Barely!
The judges shooed her on through, but Im nervous about next week.
Shell need a universal, beloved, gay thing.
Im ready for a seven-octave take on theGolden Girlstheme if you are.
Next week: The field narrows from ten to seven.
And Caleb Lee Hutchinson willnotflinch when he makes it.
