American Idol
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You know that feeling when you walk into H&M and see a short-sleeved sweater?
And you think, Absolutely not.
H&M is pretending short-sleeved sweaters are happening and Im an adult who knows thats not true.
On Sunday night,American Idolwas the H&M and guest mentor Bobby Bones was the short-sleeved sweater.
Their pump-up was endless.
He knows lots of singers!
He gets a good deal at LensCrafters!
Hes St. Bobby of Bones and we all supplicate at his Aldo-booted feet.
But ultimately, he looked like a decent Rivers Cuomo stand-in who could replace Ryan Seacrest if necessary.
And thats intriguing sinceit might be necessary.
For your benefit, Im ranking their performances.
Sorry if Lionel Richies critiques ranging from Great!
to Keep it up!
Michelle Sussett, If I Were a Boy
I ask because I care: Why cover Beyonce?
You are not a Duracell battery in a leotard like Beyonce.
You are not Tina Turner struck by lightning like Beyonce.
You did notlose a Golden Globe to Meryl Streeplike Beyonce.
So many of us are already Not Beyonce, dont add to the heap!
If her name were India.Arie, Id suggest she cover Video by India.Arie.
Brandon Diaz, Hello
Its provocative to pick one of the judges signature songs and perform it on air.
But whythis song, Brandon Diaz?
Its like if Ellen DeGeneres were still a judge and Brandon performed a monologue fromMr.
It doesnt relate to contemporary pop at all.
Also: Did you hear Ryan Seacrest hit that chorus during the bit with Lionel after the performance?
I was, shall we say, gagged.
Trevor McBane, Way Down We Go
We invented the concept of Trevor McBane several seasons ago.
Growling, bearded backwoodsman withgravitas?
Let me check the 2012 archives.
Every singing competition needs one!
Otherwise, who will spook your audience with devil-berating crackles?
Whats with singers who need to be told to sing more excitingly?
Is it possible theyre not the nextAmerican Idol, judges?
Dominique, Aint Nobody
Heres the thing: Im here for Aint Nobody.
I want everyAmerican Idolperformance to sound like it lives in or around theBreakinsoundtrack.
But while Dominique has the flavorful flourish to make the room bounce, nothing about this performance is essential.
It couldve been a season-six performance, save the clubby vibe of the Top 24 venue.
More to the point: It feels like someone singing along to the Chaka version without upstaging her.
Dont serve me classic soul with mild sauce, Dominique!
With the exception of D4Ls Laffy Taffy, Rude may be the most annoying No.
1 hit of the 21st century.
(And no, I have not forgotten about Imma Be.)
Its a song fit for aJulianna Margulies parody onThe Tonight Show, not the competitive psychodrama ofIdol.
Still, Jonny Brenns is a LOOK.
Hes a six-foot-seven (approx) blond guy.
You want to see him in a maroon turtleneck scowling, and I have no higher compliment than that.
All the pangs, all the hurting wails.
Heres to more Chanel Iman sleekness from Kay Kay and a bit more command as a singer.
is practically an entire haiku coming out of her mouth.
Its unreasonable power coming from someone whod make an ideal spokeskid for Lunchables.
Even the way he described his style as alternative R&B registered as actual insight to me.
Give me that Gasolina, papi!
Tonight: 12 more singers line up for this mess.
Will Bobby Bones mold a superstar like the lady in the Hello video?
