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The following essay is entitled Stasis and was written by actress Ally Sheedy.
It is an excerpt from the new collectionNot That Bad: Dispatches From Rape Cultureedited by Roxane Gay.
The book is out now.
What I clearly remember is someone saying, If Im wearing those heels I cant run away.
Hollywood was, to put it mildly, a shock.
Apparently, my thighs and ass were going to get in the way of my fledgling career.
I was five seven and weighed about 130 pounds.
My thighs were the thing.
It wasnt even just whether I was pretty or thin; it was that I wasnt sexy.
He said it in front of the whole crew.
I was too wide, I guess, in the skirt they had given me to wear.
There was something about me, sexually, that wasnt selling.
It was a challenge for me starting out, but it seems almost impossible for young women now.
I do volunteer work in film and theater with teenage students at a public school in New York.
They asked me for my cup size.
They told me to turn around and then told me Work on your sex appeal.
I get cast as the hairdresser and not the pretty sorority girl.
For some roles, she said, Im too busty.
He kept bringing up his wife to me.
I reported it and nothing happened.
Even teachers will see you in that light.
At sixteen these students are being judged on their sexual attractiveness.
Their talent is a gift, but it is not enough.
As Michelle says: We are told to use what you have to work with … boobs, ass.
Kai says: What is the look?
What can I be?
What should I have?
Meanwhile, a director recently told Kai: I dont see the innocence.
Im so close to giving up on everything, she said.
Layla explained: Laws cant be changed.
Its not being fixed.
People think its being fixed … Its not fixed.
It cant be fixed.
I realize I am privileged: I am white and work in the film and television industry.
Ive had great opportunities, worked hard for them, and done the most I could do with them.
Ive spoken out about the sexism in my industry before and faced backlash.
Ive been called bitter and told my behavior was cringe worthy.
(He was making some kind of statement, I suppose.)
I rejected the advice to date men that could possibly advance my career.
(All of these films became huge hits.)
But this is the way women are set up in the media.
There has been some movement, I suppose, but not much.
Its a frustrating and demoralizing struggle with some moments of triumph in spite of itself.
And I still love acting.
I still love a good role more than just about anything.
Why is the female physical appearance so important in the arts?
Sean Penn is the most gifted actor of my generation, and I dont think hes gotten Botox.
I dont think Bryan Cranston had butt implants.
What is a woman to do?
Turn on the TV and you get a good look at rape culture.
I have tried to make a career without contributing to it.
Theres the mother role and maybe something a bit more than that.
The best characters I get to play are the complicated, dark, kind of crazy ones.
But what do I tell my students?
Im still navigating the sexual appearance standard in professional work.
The studio or the web link wants me on tape to see what I look like now.
This is how it goes.
This is how it IS.
If the Harvey Weinstein disaster illustrates anything at all, it illustrates the entirety of the power structure.
His behavior and his crimes are so … what?
Its good PR for them but there are quite a few liars.
They dont want to be called out.
This isnt about naming names.
I dont have enough for a lawsuit, but I do have enough for a broken heart/spirit.
Nothing will change in Hollywood.
Some men will get careful.
Some men will pretend they never behaved like predators and wait this out.
I hope it changes.
I hope Im wrong.
Im not holding my breath.
Excerpted fromNot That Bad,compilation copyright 2018 by Roxane Gay.Copyright 2018 by Ally Sheedy.
Published by Harper Perennial, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
