90 Day Fiance
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90 Day Fianceis the greatest reality show to ever exist and anyone who disagrees is uncultured swine.
If this sounds absurd, its because it absolutely is.90 Day Fianceis … reality gold.
I dont think its much of a logical leap to suggest that maybe she has bad taste in men.
Im not here to pass judgement, Im here to state facts.
This is not foundation of a strong relationship.
Ashley claims that Jay used to be a cheater, but he has since changed …
I find this very hard to believe because he was literally a teenager one year ago.
Unfortunately, Larissa is struggling to get her visa.
If she thinks this is disappointing, wait until she realizes her fiance lives with his mother.
I expect Larissa to hate everything about her new partner and I cant wait.
Across the country in Lumberton, North Carolina, we have Jonathan, who is honestly kind of hot.
Sounds like he has his priorities in line!
Apparently, one day, Jonathan realized he didnt want to die alone.
Thats when Fernanda waltzed into his life, on a dance floor when he was on vacation in Mexico.
Im not entirely surprised Jonathan supports Fernanda because shes still a child.
In Orange County, we meet Kalani.
She lost her virginity to Asuelu, the hotel staff member who had been stalking her around the resort.
Kalani immediately got pregnant.
This seems a little racist if you ask me but whatever.
He was in a 20-year relationship that ultimately ended although he is still friends with his ex-wife, Tanya.
Instead, he took out a personal ad in an international newspaper asking for a girlfriend.
(I love that these were his two options in life.)
This is when Leida, the model/actress/Ms.
Indonesia 5th runner-up contestant, came into his life.
Leida and Eric spent exactly two days together before he proposed to her.
Now, Leida and her 5-year-old son are moving across the world to be with this man in Wisconsin.
Jay brags that he has always had a lot of girlfriends.
They think its absolutely impossible unless hes hiding a 12-inch penis.
I doubt that … Much like his friends, I suspect Larissa is in this for the visa.
In North Carolina, Jonathan meets up with his friend Dani.
Dani points out that its weird that Fernanda makes him wear a wedding ring since they are not married.
He explains that she gets super jealous and will cut his throat out.
This is a red flag to all reasonable people, but Jonathan likes that shes a little crazy.
I like that if he dies under mysterious circumstances there are at least millions of witnesses.
His child is rightfully upset about this.
Eric is torn because he loves his kids but cant disappoint the fiancee he barely knows.
This isnt going to end well, especially since Eric hasnt told Leida anything about his living conditions.
Koloni hates Asuelu because Kalani told Koloni he cheated on her (Kalani).
None of this makes sense!
And its not just because I dont know whos speaking at any given moment.
Of course, Larissa is pissed that hes not flying her out immediately.
Her logic is that you are American so you’re free to afford anything.
He tries to explain to her that he doesnt have a rocket car or any money at all.
I am not really mad at Larissa for being so financially demanding of Colt.
She has been very clear with her intentions: She wants his money.
The fact that Colt cant see that is his problem.
But fundamentally, the issue here is that these two people do not get along.
Like, at all.
She wont even say she loves him when she hangs up the phone.
This is because she doesnt love him.
This is a case of actions speaking louder than words.
Leida doesnt understand why Eric pays child support to Tanya.
This is another red flag.
How Eric supports his children is none of her business.
That sucks for her.
But thats not Tanyas problem; supporting his kids is literally Erics only redeemable quality.
We end this episode with Fernanda finally arriving in America.
Id just like to say that she looks gorgeous in her confessional.
Jonathan agrees, because he says hes most excited about giving her new boobs a test drive.
Its clear Jonathan is in lust with Fernanda, not love.
This man must have Peter Pan syndrome because sometimes he sounds younger than his teenage fiancee.
There is no excuse for not having a bed if it’s possible for you to afford it.
If he has lived in his apartment for more than three days, he should have a bed.
But this is not the worst aspect of his living situation.
There was a storm and all the power is out at his house.
Things look so bleak that Fernanda whispers, Are you poor?
To make matters even worse, hes got his ex-girlfriends underwear in a drawer.
This does not add up.
Whenever I move, I throw things away.
Something tells me this rocky start for Fernanda and Jonathan is just the beginning.
