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How much do we love theFifty Shadesfranchise?
Let us count the ways.
(Or maybe it does?
Figuring out what percentage of the jokeFifty Shadesis in on is one of contemporary cinemas greatest quandaries.)
Warning: Our tastes are very … singular.
Everyones incredibly ham-fisted names: Christian Grey.
Taylor (no last name).
Wanda (Anas car).
Welch (no first name).
Christian Greys fully outfitted private gym, where every day ispommel horse day.
The barest hints of full-frontal nudity, which happen so fast youd almost swear they were spliced in afterward.
All thebad wall art.
The fact that Jamie Dornan has the same enormous pupils as theThis is finedog.
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11.
Soundtracks full ofsurprisingly greatbangers.
14.If you were mine, you wouldnt be able to sit down for a week.
The very concept ofgetting fingered to Van Morrison.
Dakota Johnson throwing a cocktail in Kim Basingers face.
Marcia Gay Harden slapping Kim Basingers face.
When a crucial emotional scene was staged in front of aChronicles of Riddickposter.
The fact thateverysingleone of theposterslooked like a poorly executed perfume ad.
Christians driver, Taylor, whos just doing his best.
Ana dragging the comforter off the bed all the way around Christians empty apartment.
When Ana orders a quinoa salad at a steakhouse.
How Ana orders white wine everywhere she goes, including at the steakhouse.
Thinking, So, itisokay not to shave my legs before sex!
after the weird backlighting that highlights Anas leg hair in the first sex scene.
The exactly two (2)black women.
Anasphysics-defying lipstick,which stays on Christians chest throughout an entire masked ball, underneath a stain-free dress shirt.
When Ana explains the internet to her publishing company and everyone is like holy shit!!!
34.Im fifty shades of fucked up.
Watching these movies and remembering how good Jamie Dornan is inThe Fall.
A pair of great Beyonce remixes: Haunted and Crazy in Love.
Later, he gives her $24,000, by forcefully depositing it into her bank account.
Thinking, Maybe well get full frontal Jamie this time?
even though we know this franchise would never be so merciful.
(You just know theres a secret Slack channel devoted entirely to complaining about her behind her back.)
Thecontract scene, which is a masterpiece in comic timing.
Hoping for more long, arduous, uncomfortable,passive-aggressive press tourswith Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan.
Thanks for the memories, you two.
